Clinically depressed is not something I would imagine for myself. Yet that is exactly what I am seeing with myself.

There are triggers.

Work, for example. I have been in the same place 9522 days (a bit over 26 years) I have 4939 days (13.5 years) until retirement.

The job has been interesting and changing over time but can I keep it up? Or is my destiny going like finally leaving my job after 32 years?

Hobbies, for example. I have been at it in the kitchen with Ginger Ale, Sourdough Bread, Greek yogurt. Moving on to Cheese making, Spirit making, Dried and pickled meat making. The last needing more room then I have available.

But, that is a temporary time filler and not a life. The same with Biking, Gardening, Jewelry making, Carpentry or Masonry crafts to say a few.

Is this how I want to be remembered?

Home, the lockdown isn’t helping. I have been planning vacations and one after another they have been canceled, I was hoping to get away for a breather this holiday weekend, but fears and uncertainty supervene on this freedom.

Are we what we do?

Then I relate to my feelings and there are plenty of feelings. I notice what triggers and…

I know how they manipulate my day and emotions. And then what?

Are we the outcome of our emotions and feelings?

First thing that I noticed was my desire to carry on and ignore the above. I went through the symptoms of clinically depression and I had hit the nail on the head.

So the answer is I have to accept that I am in this situation.

God knows where I am and knows what is best for me.

For he is my only answer.